guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
