I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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