Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
