Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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