I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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