Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
