people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
