So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
