I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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