sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
