I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
