fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You were trust falling into bushes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
