When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
