All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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