omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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