Please, let me fuck your mom
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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