ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
