Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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