Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
