Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
