Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
