If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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