I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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