she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
