How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
pop tarts are not kleenex
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
