She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
