Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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