I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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