Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
