you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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