My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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