You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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