my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
