my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
