Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
