Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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