Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
