At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
