Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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