I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Semen is not good for contacts.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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