she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
