ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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