Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
