it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
