Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
