He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
