You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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