I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
