go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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