Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
